I’m a Racist

I used to shoplift. For fun. And to get a thrill and pretend I was a bad girl. I stole A LOT. I grew out of it. I never would have had the chance to grow out of it if I’d been shot 12 times. But that wasn’t my experience. I was a young, pretty white girl. My experience is that after I was arrested, they called my dad and inappropriately flirted with me for 3 hours (I was 14) until he got there. I was released without so much as a slap on the wrist. And I think I was grounded for two weeks. There is no record of it, except for this testimony, which I wouldn’t be able to give you if I’d been shot 12 times.

I have 5 black nephews growing up in Alabama. Would they get the same treatment as I for a similar crime? No. They wouldn’t. I’m scared for them. I’m scared for my beautiful friends who have and will again be racially profiled. I pray that when they do, because it is inevitable in this society that it will occur again, that everyone has cool heads and no one is hurt.

A young black man followed me home tonight, asked to be let into my gate, and when I refused, he stayed out there for 20 more minutes before he left. I was afraid. He has been there before. And of course I would’ve been afraid if a white man had done this too. But, I saw a black man walking towards me at 1:30am and I was afraid of that black man. Part of it was his color. A big part. I thought about the Ferguson outcome, and that maybe it wasn’t safe for me to be outside right now.

This is coming from a girl who was Vice President of her Minority Club in college, the Silhouettes. This is coming from a girl who sang in a black gospel choir, who wanted to join AKA, who has black relatives, who has just as many black friends as white. Some of them best friends. This came from a girl who sobbed when President Obama became President because of what that meant for equality. This came from a girl who believes and champions art that celebrates minorities and prefers it.

I am a racist. I don’t want to be, but I am. I fight it viciously every day, but I still am. I have been raised by America to fear black men. And I do. And if I’m a racist, just think about all the people that aren’t fighting it. Think of all the people that are embracing it.

I often stay silent about racial issues and just give my love and support because I don’t know what to do to make it better. I don’t want to ruffle feathers or see anyone’s true ugliness come out. I want to send money. I want something tangible that I can do to help. The problem is that there is no charity that is going to fix racism. WE have to do that within ourselves and I don’t know how to do it in others.

I am saddened beyond belief at the outcome of Ferguson. I wasn’t there, I don’t know what really happened and never will. I don’t think police are evil. I do believe that the majority of them are good. I believe in them. I do know this though, it does not take 12 bullets to take somebody down. It does not. Especially, with a trained shooter. That shows aggressiveness, fear, and possibly psychosis. This is a travesty.

My friends, I don’t know what to do. I am saddened beyond belief. I am sad for Ferguson and I am sad for our country. She’s better than this.

Sorry for the break from theater and adventures on the road, but I needed to say this.



3 thoughts on “I’m a Racist

  1. Well said, but it doesn’t qualify you as racist in my opinion. To me, it means you have given into the fear instilled in society through the media. Racist is a strong term that doesn’t apply here but I think it adds more meaning to what you’ve written nonetheless.

    Okay done commenting on every post!

  2. This is very brave of you, what you have done here has made a change just by being honest. I agree with ReigoFaith it doesn’t make you a racist society has done this. If you aren’t familiar with Tim Wise listen to him and his explanation it’s awesome. Take care and be Bless

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